The Pyjack and the Mule
by girl undone
Summary: Commander Rachel Shepard acquires an unfortunate nickname from Garrus Vakarian, because strip-mining always leads to disaster. Rating for curses galore and suggestive language. Jack and Dr. Chakwas appear, as does the rest of the Dirty Dozen


Like most disasters, it all began with strip-mining.

Commander Rachel Shepard was, for once, blissfully alone at the galaxy map, since everyone else- meaning Yeoman Chambers- was in the mess for lunch. She was, however, unfortunately occupied by that dreaded task. Mining. She had strip-mined most of the Minos Wasteland before she decided she'd lose her mind if she ordered EDI to launch another probe. She was also beginning to wonder if the reason she hadn't been arrested for stripping most of the planets in the Terminus systems of their ores was because she was a Spectre and, in truth, she really didn't want to find out.

"Commander, there is still another system you have not mined," intoned the synthesised and all-too-familiar voice of EDI.

Shepard groaned and rolled her right shoulder. She supposed she should be thankful for Cerberus' skin weave advancements. It certainly helped when it came to... _other areas._ It did not, however, let her arm get back the seemingly permanent bruise she'd had since basic, left from the kickback of frequent use of assault and sniper rifles. Instead it constantly healed and let the bruise blossom anew. "Yeah, I know, EDI. We'll hit it later. A girl's gotta eat some time, too, you know."

As if on cue, EDI responded humourlessly, "I am well aware of the need for human, and other sapient life forms, to eat, Commander."

Shepard waved her hand at the blue orb, though she knew it couldn't see her dismissing it. "Yeah yeah yeah. Log me out, EDI."

"Logging you out, Shepard."

As she exited the lift on the crew level, she wondered what experiment Gardner had in store for lunch. Greeting the crew on their break for lunch, she noted they all seemed to be enjoying it.

However, when she saw what lunch was, she decided Gardner was in on the conspiracy to torture her today. She made a face at the sandwiches, liberally swathed in mayonnaise. _Oh no. Seriously?_

From somewhere deep inside, Shepard mustered her most endearing smile as she cajoled the Mess Sergeant, "C'mon, I'm the Commander of this ship! Can't I get a turkey club _without_ mayo? And, possibly... mustard?"

Mess Sergeant Gardner laughed heartily as he quickly prepared another sandwich. "You don't need to pull rank with _me_, Commander. You just ask and I'll make it. Or unclog it!"

Shepard's smile wavered. She was entirely reconsidering the need for sapient life forms to eat anything made by a man who served as both cook and plumber. "Um, yeah. I'll keep that in mind..." She took the tray offered to her. He had given her a root beer ! She instantly forgave the man's short-comings and favoured him with a real smile. "Now who's aces, Gardner! Thanks!"

"Any time, Commander!" he called after her retreating figure.

Shepard took a healthy gulp of the soft drink and detoured around the mess table for the main battery. Maybe there was no conspiracy after all. She nudged the door console with her left shoulder, balancing the tray.

As the doors hissed opened, Garrus Vakarian turned from his console and asked, in his studiously formal, if very sexy flanging tones, "Shepard. Need me for something?"

Rachel rolled her eyes in response, skillfully closing the doors with her shoulder again. "I'm eating in here today. Gardner somehow got me root beer! It made me decide not to leave him on the next planet we stop on for putting vile mayo all over lunch."

Garrus said nothing in return, instead tapping away on his console.

Rachel sat atop the crates to the side and placed her tray in her lap before she set into her sandwich. "Ooh, he put bacon on, too. Bless the man."

The sound of talons repeatedly tapping against the console's keyboard was all she heard in reply.

Having finished one half of the sandwich, she pointedly, noisily, slurped her soda. When that _still_ registered no response, she demanded, "Are you seriously calibrating those damned cannons again or are you ignoring me for some reason I'm not aware of?"

Garrus sighed heavily. "Yes, I am," he tried to modulate his tone to imitate her, like Rachel often did when she complained about Miranda and mimicked the ex-Cerberus operative's voice, but couldn't achieve it with his own vocal patterns, "'seriously calibrating those damned cannons again.'"

What seemed like years, but in reality, months, of pent up frustration made her all but whine, "But _why_? Do they really needed to be calibrated so often or are you looking at Jeff's extranet bookmarks all day? Because, let me assure you, I can show you a far better time on that console than-"

EDI interrupted whatever promises Rachel was about to make, "Officer Vakarian, your latest entry is off by 15.2 percent. I recommend re-entering the calibrations when you are less distracted."

Garrus growled, smacking the console. He turned to human woman, who suddenly looked all-so-innocent as she silently drank her foul smelling concoction. "You," he began, pointing an accusing talon at her, "are a pest."

She had the gall to beam up at him as she finished her odorous drink. "But you love me anyway."

Garrus huffed and began to enter the calibrations again. "As much as anyone can love a pyjack."

Rachel held the second half of her sandwich midway between the tray and her mouth. "_Pyjack?_" she retorted.

His mandibles flared in a smirk, mocking her even as he went on entering logarithms into the console. "You're impatient, noisy, eat things that smell like refuse, and pester me. I'd say you're a pyjack."

Rachel dropped her sandwich on her tray, making a noise of indignity. "You- you're an ass! Stubborn, unyielding ass! We might as well fix a harness on you so you can hitch the Hammerhead around!"

Garrus turned around, mid-entry, confused. "Why would I carry the Hammerhead around when it hovers on its own?" That smug, mandible-flaring smirk reappeared. "Besides, I never heard you complain about my ass before."

Shepard stood up and slammed her lunch tray on top of the crates. "_Mule_! Stubborn as a mule! If we're going to be comparing which animals we most resemble, you're a goddamned mule!"

EDI interrupted as Garrus opened his mouth to speak. "Officer Vakarian, you have not entered the next set of logarithms."

"Shut down, EDI!" was the mutual response from the Commander and the Officer.

"Logging you out, Officer. Commander."

Somehow, Rachel found her mouth involuntarily jerking up in the corners. "So I'm like a pyjack, huh?" she asked, arms crossed.

Garrus leaned back against the console, also trying to smother a grin of his own. "A mule, is it? They're like horses? You ride them?" His grin could no longer be contained.

Rachel uncrossed her arms to jab a finger into his armoured chest plate. "You," she accused, her smile belying her tone, "have a filthy mind."

He caught up her strange, five-fingered hand in his own and examined it like it was an interesting object d'art. "I never really minded pyjacks, actually. Sure, they're nuisances, but they're also sort of cute..." He trailed off as she stepped closer. "For a pest," he finished, flexing his mandibles in a grin again.

Shepard snatched her hand out of his. "Like I said. _Ass._" She flicked a glance at her tray, then purposefully hit the console to the doors. "Enjoy the refuse!"

Garrus turned back to his console with a shrug, tapping away again as though she said nothing of consequence. "Pyjack. Definitely."

And then his translator glitched as she strode out, "_Schmuck!"_

_

* * *

_

Commander Rachel Shepard abandoned her worries of censure to throw herself into the task of sucking every last drop of eezo, platinum, palladium, and iridium she could find out of the Fortis System. She personally saw it as petty revenge on a certain gunnery officer who insisted she was not only a pest, but was always more interested in calibrating those damned Thanix cannons than anything she had to say. Unfortunately, he was still calibrating whilst she finished the final planet, Aequitas.

"Anomaly detected." EDI's monotone voice and the fuzzy sounds of a distress beacon pulled Shepard out of her irritated fog. She focussed her attentions on Digital Elevation Model, moving the Argus Advanced Mineral Scanner's virtual grid until she could get a clearer signal from the beacon. She listened intently for a few moments, debating in her mind whether they'd encounter mechs or mercs. _With the way this day's been going, it'll probably be mercs. Better let Tali sit this one out._ Shepard finally ordered, "EDI, tell Officer Vakarian and Jack to suit up and meet me at the Kodiak in fifteen."

"Very well, Commander," the blue orb winked out.

Shepard rubbed her eyes from staring at the Argus' DEM for so long and headed to the lift so she could suit up herself.

* * *

It was all a conspiracy, Shepard decided, as she, Garrus and Jack ran from the dying husks and exploding mine shaft toward the Kodiak. Jack paused as they neared their goal, sending one last shockwave toward two burning husks that managed to follow them this far. "I'll kill you all!" she shouted.

Shepard spun around to grab the poorly armoured woman around the waist. "Come on, Jack! I'm not waiting around here while that mine blows us all straight to hell! Get in the shuttle! Garrus, give us cover if any more of those goddamned husks appear!"

"On it!" he shouted back, having made short work of the last two indoctrinated opportunists that Jack's shockwave had thrown to the ground.

She jerked Jack backwards, toward the Kodiak, activating the wing doors with a swift kick behind her.

Jack fought against Shepard's iron grip. "What the hell, Shepard?"

"Enough showing off, Jack and get into the fucking Kodiak! All you're wearing is a goddamned vest! How'd you like a piece of shrapnel lodged in your brain or a husk gnawing your leg off? I'm making sure you stay-" Suddenly, the sickening thud of metal impacting something soft and squishy echoed in the air, and the arm around Jack went limp as the Commander pitched forward and fell, unconscious, to the red ground at her feet.

Shepard activated the doors all right. Right into her head.

"Rachel!" Garrus shouted, quickly scanning the area for any more husks before shoving his M-76 Revenant assault rifle into holster strapped to his back. He skidded to a halt and crouched down to see where she was hit. "What happened?" he shouted as Jack howled with laughter.

"She was bitching at me for not wearing enough armour when the tactical genius herself here is wearing a fucking _visor_ instead of a helmet. She ain't hit, except in the head. The doors knocked her out!"

Garrus swore, finding no amusement in this predicament. He knew little enough of field medics, as it were. "Jack, shut up and help me out here." He commed in to the _Normandy, _"Joker!"

The pilot's voice crackled through, "Yeah, what's up?"

Jack knelt down, still laughing, "Do you wear it to look like her or does she wear it to look like you? It's fucking cute. You're like twins."

"_Shut up, Jack!"_ Garrus snarled, ignoring now Joker's laughter. "Put Dr. Chakwas on! _Now!_"

Joker muttered something about a stick that made Jack crack up again. The calm voice of Dr. Chakwas came through the comm. "What can I do for you, Garrus?"

"Rach-" Garrus took a deep breath. "The Commander took a blow to her head. She's unconscious. I don't have field training in this for humans and neither does Jack! What-"

Jack could be heard snickering to herself, "Blow to the head my ass," and Joker shouted a curse through the comm, demanding to know her status, but Dr. Chakwas remained calm. "Jeff, silence." The pilot obeyed promptly and the doctor went on soothingly, "It's all right, Garrus. Now, Jack," her voice grew stern, "I want you to _very carefully_ check the Commander's head for bleeding. Whilst she does this, Garrus, I want you to turn the Commander on her side, moving her as little as possible."

"That's a fuck-load of blood," Jack mused as she applied medi-gel without being told. Garrus was stunned into silence at the amount of red blood seeping from the back of Shepard's head. Still, Dr. Chakwas seemed only mildly concerned over the comm. "Head wounds often bleed profusely. I'm sure it's nothing more than a concussion, but I won't know until I see her. Now, Garrus, see if you can get the Commander to speak."

Garrus gripped Shepard's shoulder and waist to keep her balanced on her side, leaning in close to her face, afraid she would suddenly awake and jump up. "Shepard. Shepard, wake up." When he thought about it later, he'd be reminded of the irony of forcing the insomniac Commander awake.

There was no response from Shepard, but Jack couldn't resist. "Aw, is that how you wake her up in the morning, big guy?"

With resilience the hot-headed turian didn't know he possessed, Garrus ignored Jack and repeated, "Shepard!" Her eyes fluttered beneath the lids, but still no vocal response. He growled now, loudly, "Rachel, wake up! You little pyjack!"

Commander Shepard might have muttered, "What?" or it might have been, "Fuck..." It wasn't really clear and it really didn't matter. "Doc, we got a response!" Garrus commed back exuberantly.

Dr. Chakwas replied, her tone still calm, but sounding greatly relieved, "Wonderful. Carefully carry her into the Kodiak and lay her down. Again, try to move her as little as possible. I'll be waiting in the hangar."

Garrus didn't need to be told twice, nor did he need to be reminded to be careful. All that bright red blood... Whenever he was beginning to think otherwise, humans proved how fragile they were.

Jack followed into the Kodiak after Garrus settled the unconscious Commander on the opposing bench and dropped down in a sprawl next to him. She made a face at her stained hands, then suddenly laughed and turned to the tense turian beside her. "Pyjack? That's the cutesy little pet name you came up with for her?"

Garrus tore his anxious gaze from Shepard to glare at the scantily-clad biotic. "I _will_ kill you," he warned with a growl, but Jack only burst into renewed laughter.

* * *

Naturally, the crew hung around the mess tables as Dr. Chakwas treated her patient. Since the turian was in the med-bay with them both, they saw no need to keep their opinions to themselves.

"Two years! I spent two years rebuilding that woman and she nearly takes her head off with a bloody door? I swear, she'll be the death of me!" Miranda proclaimed, clenching her hands into fists.

Jacob took this opportunity to console Miranda with a few soft words, but apparently she wasn't won over as she threw his hand off her shoulder.

Mordin explained to Samara, "Concussion. Brain shaken back and forth inside skull. Very mild in this case. Will likely need rest." The Justicar nodded, choosing her words carefully, "Shepard seems in need of rest."

Thane sat silently at Samara's side, resting his chin on his fingertips. Kasumi's worried expression turned to a giggle at Samara's words. "You can say that again," she murmured to the silent drell beside her.

Zaeed didn't see the need for the fuss. "I took a round t'the 'ead. 'at one in there took a rocket. Whass a li'l bump on the head?"

Tali stopped wringing her three-fingered hands to snap at Zaeed, "She's not only our Commander, she's my friend! _Bosh'tet!_"

Joker attempted not to seem at all interested in the ministrations of Dr. Chakwas to her patient, though he looked through the med-bay windows every five seconds. He jumped when Jack suddenly crowed in his ear, "He calls her _pyjack_!"

Joker glanced distractedly through the med-bay windows again. "What?" he replied, not paying any attention to Jack.

Jack pounced in front of him, blocking his view to anything but her tattoos. She leaned in, as she had a habit of doing, to his personal space. "The love birds. He calls her a pyjack. As a fuckin' pet name! Whaddya think she calls him? Big Blue?" she finished with a suggestive leer.

Joker was mesmerised by the vast amount of tattoos and flesh displayed until that last jeering line. "Ugh, Jack! Great, now I have to incinerate my brain!"

Jack laughed, leaning her face closer to Joker's. "I can do that for you." She held up her hand so that it glowed blue.

Joker shook his head, pulling back a bit. "Nice come-on, Jack. How's that been working out for you?"

Jack refused to be put off. She grinned with a feral glint in her eyes. "You haven't fucked till you've fucked with biotics. But then, you haven't fucked at all." She pulled back quickly and laughed as the pilot sputtered, "Yes I have!" as she slunk away.

Grunt interrupted the chatter to proclaim determinedly, "If the Kodiak took down my Battlemaster, then it must be destroyed!"

A collective, "_Grunt, no!_" was shouted before the visibly upset krogan could tear the shuttle apart.

* * *

Commander Shepard was aware of two very distinct voices she was fond of. The soft lilt of a British accent made mild by living in space and the flanged rumblings of a certain male turian. She opened her eyes, only to groan at the sudden bright lights. Both of the voices came toward her and she felt two sets of two very different hands pushing her down as she tried to sit up. "Ugh. The fucking lights."

She wasn't sure why they were laughing, but they sounded relieved. Then, suddenly, she was aware that her head was throbbing intensely. She struggled to sit up once more, but was again held down. "G-d, I get it," she complained, not having the strength to yell. "What happened?"

Neither one of the voices answered her question, instead both demanding to know how she felt. Shepard grimaced, "Like my head is gonna explode. If I don't puke first."

Garrus made a move to stroke her hair, but he was afraid to touch her head at all. Instead, he let out a rumbling laugh that Shepard was still too dazed to notice how anxious the pitch was, "Too late. You already did that when were taking you out of the Kodiak."

Shepard groaned, making a face as though she suddenly realised why her mouth tasted so badly, "Sorry.."

Doctor Chakwas patted Shepard's shoulder, "Apparently, you were standing too close to the Kodiak when you activated the doors." She added, her tone suddenly heavy with disapproval, "Since you neglected to wear your helmet, the force of the winged door rising knocked you out." The disapproval disappeared and her voice was melodic again, but quite stern, "You have a mild concussion. Of course, you won't leave this bed tonight, tomorrow, or the next day."

"Fuck," was Shepard's elegant reply.

Doctor Chakwas chuckled, "You'll be fine in no time at all. Now, I shall go and clear the mess hall. You have quite the concerned crew out there. Oh, and Miranda will want to know of your condition."

Shepard muttered, somewhat subdued, "Yeah, I know. Make sure Grunt doesn't rip anything up." Then she groaned again at the mention of Miranda, blindly reaching for the turian she knew was around there somewhere. "Can't you just tell her I died or something? Maybe she'll leave."

Garrus caught her flailing hand and scolded, "Bite your mouth."

Doctor Chakwas laughed again, but didn't correct him. She tapped the doors console. "She sounds as good as new, eh Garrus?"

Garrus turned his head to the doctor, "Thank you again."

Shepard echoed the sentiment groggily. "Thanks doc."

She smiled before she exited the med-bay. "Of course. It's my job."

When the doors hissed closed, Rachel mumbled, "Tongue."

Garrus turned back to the fragile-looking human woman clutching his hand with surprising strength. "Tongue?" he repeated, settling into a chair next to her bed. He wondered how long it would take her to realise she was out of her armour and in a hospital gown designed obviously for a volus. With an inward amused noise, he thought it was no great wonder why the doctor wanted to clear the mess hall before they could hear their Commander's thoughts on _that._

She tested out opening her eyes again. The searing pain of the lights and the throbbing of her head was immense, but the blue eyes she met looked so concerned that she couldn't squeeze them shut again. She blinked a few times, her eyes watering. "It's 'bite your tongue'."

Not for the first time since he met Rachel Shepard did he regret turians couldn't mimic that human act of kissing. He settled for nuzzling her hand. "And here I thought you were suggesting we disobey the doctor's orders."

She grinned weakly, "I didn't know you had a thing for hospital gowns designed for voluses."

Garrus sputtered, "But how-?"

Rachel laughed, then winced. "_Ow._ Ugh. Stupid head. Stupid Jack. I'm letting the husks get her next time."

Garrus persisted, determined to keep his voice registered low. "But how did you come up with that? I didn't even say it out loud."

She tugged the hand that held hers. "Well, you know what they say. Great minds think alike."

He nuzzled her hand again. "Oh yeah? What am I thinking now, then?"

She somehow, he marvelled, smiled _that_ kittenish smile up at him. "That I look damned sexy in a volus hospital gown."

Still holding one hand in his own, he gently ran his free talon across that smile. "True. But you heard what Doctor Chakwas said. Three days. Then maybe I'll let you show me, what was it? A far better time on my console than any calibrating or extranet sites could do."

Commander Rachel Shepard tried to bite Garrus Vakarian's finger, but he jerked it away just in time. "Ass," she retorted without heat.

He happily nuzzled her palm. "Pyjack."


End file.
